Free Will and Ferris Wheels
I've been thinking about this free will concept. I believe God intended us to have free will but sometimes it doesn't always feel so "free". It reminds me of a ferris wheel experience I had as a child. My father convinced me to join him on the ferris wheel even though I was (and still am) afraid of heights. I agreed on the condition that he not rock the car we were in. Well, you can guess the story...we stopped at the very top and my father proceeds to rock the car, thereafter ruining my sense of trust in his word. He thought it was funny...I was terrified. I guess I exercised my "free will" by agreeing to ride but I obviously had no control over anything else during the ride.
Its been almost 4 years now since God changed me one evening from being a lesbian boy to a straight woman overnight. There was no free will in that decision except for the decision to trust whatever God was doing with my life. I guess I agreed to "take the ride" but after that decision I was just at the mercy of the One who really had the control. My attraction to women disappeared, thereby disrupting my relationship with my lovers (16 years with one, and 6 years with the three of us), it became expensive with the need to change clothing styles (I hadn't worn any women's clothes in 15+ years), and gave my mother the satisfaction that the 50 year "phase" I was going through was finally over. She had won the prayer lottery and now her daughter was straight! It was never a "moral" or "religious" issue for me. I always believed, and still do, that God created me the way I was. I guess He decided to re-create me.
Here's the rub with that free will thing. With the change of lifestyle came the infusion of love for a man. Here's where God reminds me of my father...I agreed to take the ride and put my whole life, heart and soul into it. Now that I'm hanging up there in the air, I realize that even though God re-created me for a specific person and for reasons I've yet to understand, I'm in that familiar position of not having anymore control than I did as a child. And on top of that...the man has free will himself, so God won't make him take the ride,. He has to choose it.
So I just keep riding the ferris wheel, waiting for him to join me on the ride. I guess that's what faith is all about. The interesting thing is that I really trust this man to not rock the car. I hope I get the chance to find out.
Its been almost 4 years now since God changed me one evening from being a lesbian boy to a straight woman overnight. There was no free will in that decision except for the decision to trust whatever God was doing with my life. I guess I agreed to "take the ride" but after that decision I was just at the mercy of the One who really had the control. My attraction to women disappeared, thereby disrupting my relationship with my lovers (16 years with one, and 6 years with the three of us), it became expensive with the need to change clothing styles (I hadn't worn any women's clothes in 15+ years), and gave my mother the satisfaction that the 50 year "phase" I was going through was finally over. She had won the prayer lottery and now her daughter was straight! It was never a "moral" or "religious" issue for me. I always believed, and still do, that God created me the way I was. I guess He decided to re-create me.
Here's the rub with that free will thing. With the change of lifestyle came the infusion of love for a man. Here's where God reminds me of my father...I agreed to take the ride and put my whole life, heart and soul into it. Now that I'm hanging up there in the air, I realize that even though God re-created me for a specific person and for reasons I've yet to understand, I'm in that familiar position of not having anymore control than I did as a child. And on top of that...the man has free will himself, so God won't make him take the ride,. He has to choose it.
So I just keep riding the ferris wheel, waiting for him to join me on the ride. I guess that's what faith is all about. The interesting thing is that I really trust this man to not rock the car. I hope I get the chance to find out.
posted by Lori | 11:58 AM
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