Crying

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
Alex Tan quotes


I hate crying. Crying seems so useless. It blocks my sinuses, makes my eyes look awful, and gives me a headache. Once I start crying it seems to take on a life of its own and I don't seem to have the ability to stop it. I know I'm supposed to feel better after having a "good cry" but most of the time I feel worse. I mainly cry over two things - my fencing and the man I love.

I frequently cry when I'm fencing because of the sheer frustration of not being able to make my body do what my mind knows to do. I grew up being very good in sports. Sports like baseball, kickball and rowing came easily for me. Its hard when I find myself in something that doesn't come naturally. But the tears make me see the truth about my fencing. The truth is I will never be an Olympic fencer, I will never win a gold medal for my coach, and I may never get much better despite being pain free.

I hate seeing life more clearly, that's why I hate crying.

The other thing I cry about is the man I love. Crying has made me weary and I'm tired of trying. I give up. Crying over him has made things clearer than I ever wanted them to be. He is unavailable to me and I guess I've been playing a game in my head about that. He had a chance to choose me and didn't. He took a different road and I see that very clearly now...and it hurts,damn it.

So, I don't plan to cry anymore. I have no desire to see anything else with greater clarity. He doesn't do anything that he doesn't really want to do and I've seen enough to know that he is where he wants to be. I want him to be happy...but I wanted it to be with me.

I hate seeing life more clearly, that's why I hate crying.