Just Call Me Thomas

I woke up today with a mixture of happiness and fear. The happiness feels very good and peaceful. The fear is anxiety producing and anything but peaceful. Maybe the fear and anxiety are one. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is that the fear is very familiar, like an old friend that I never really liked but can't get away from.

This feeling comes on the heels of a very good day yesterday. I felt very content and peaceful when I went to sleep last night...even after having fenced, which rarely happens due to my need to be perfect at it. Perhaps I felt better after fencing because I'm putting more effort and concentration into it and trying to be less self-conscious. I guess the coaching technique worked...now I pay more attention to what I'm doing because I'm afraid my coach will make me mad again. Even knowing what he's doing won't stop me from reacting. I'm grateful I wasn't born a fish...I would have been someone's dinner real fast. All you have to do is throw the hook and I bite...even when I know what's happening!

I think what I'm feeling today is fear of loss. I'm not sure how I can lose something I don't really have yet but feelings rarely make sense, do they? Reality tells me one thing but my heart tells me something completely different. I'm so afraid that reality will win. But isn't fear like this a lack of faith? This is the circular dilemma I find myself in often, and I'm sure I'm not unique in this.

Faith is so hard. Even Thomas, who was knew Jesus, needed evidence. If someone who knew Jesus "in the flesh" had trouble, it's no wonder I have difficulty. Thomas must have been terribly afraid of losing Jesus, so much so that he couldn't believe even when Jesus was standing right in front of him.

I have a wonderful devotional book called "Streams in the desert", that speaks to my heart. In one of the selections it talks about God telling Abraham he would father a child at his advanced age and become "the father of many nations". Here is the part of what it says that I really need to hear.

"And Abraham thought of himself as a father, because God had said so. That is genuine faith - believing and declaring what God has said, stepping out on what appears to be thin air and finding solid rock beneath your feet. Therefore boldly declare what God says you have, and He will accomplish what you believe. You must, however, exhibit genuine faith and trust Him with your entire being" (from Crumbs).

"With your entire being"...I guess that means I need to give up the fear and anxiety. It will be hard to see that "old friend" that I never really liked anyway, go away. Sometimes its hard to let go of the old ways, even when I know they aren't good for me.