Whatever It Takes?

If you're not willing to lose, then you'll do whatever it takes to win, and you become someone you're not.

I just found this quote by Katie Couric in an article called "What I've Learned". It made me think about myself and my life. I hate to lose. I always have. Fortunately, I've been pretty good at winning most of the time and I'm grateful for that. It's easier to win when the stakes are lower, or the outcome isn't as important. When winning isn't as critical or uncertain, it's easier to stay who I am. But sometimes the stakes are high, and the desire for the outcome to go my way is much stronger. It gets much harder to stay who I am under those circumstances.

I want something now. I want something now more than I have ever wanted anything else. Winning this one is important to me and sometimes I struggle with staying true to who I want to be in my life. I want to be married and I want it to be a peaceful, loving, relaxing relationship. I want it so much that my tendency is to accept things the way they are even when I want or need something to be different. The more I want something, or someone, I become afraid to ask for what I want and need, especially face to face. I'm always afraid that what I want will disappear if I make my needs clear.

This fear of losing isn't honest and it works against me. If I'm honest, it might be more than he wants to deal with. If I'm not honest, then I become someone else, even if I "win". I want to be strong enough to lose, even if it means losing the most important thing to me. Honesty is the only way to be that strong and I need to start looking him in the eyes and telling him what I need. If I can't do that now, I'll never be able to do that when we're together.

But what if he doesn't like what I say and goes away..........