Old Wounds

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about my fencing. I was saying how difficult it is sometimes to take everything I've learned and do them all together at one time while fencing. The hardest habit for me to break is charging in on an attack even though the other person's blade is pointed right on me. It's as if the other person's attack on me is the "green light" for me to attack back, without getting their blade out of the way. This usually leads to a touch scored against me and a large bruise from my running into their point.

My friend likened it to being a "bull in a china shop". Unknown to him, that was one of the many things I heard as a child that was demeaning and hurtful. All the hurt and feelings of shame just exploded to the surface when he said that to me. Then the tears came and made us both feel bad.

You know, the truth is sometimes I am clumsy,impulsive and bull-headed but it still hurts to remember hearing it as a child. It makes hearing it as an adult more hurtful than it should be at my age. I'm amazed sometimes how fragile old wounds are and how easily they are reopened.