Turning the Corner
Today is my mother's birthday,and the day she died two years ago. I miss her. Many of the ways I respond on the inside can be traced back directly to both my parents. The way I see myself was created by their words, looks, and actions when I was a child. But I'm not a child anymore and it's time to make some changes. I believe I've made a good start and I offer these thoughts as an example of those changes.
I'm going to Summer Nationals in one week. I will be fencing in the veteran women's epee and as part of a women's epee team. In the team event there are four members on each team, three who fence and one who is the alternate. My coach has been watching us fence each other for the past 2-3 weeks in order to determine who should be the alternate. My fencing hasn't been my best recently and I'm afraid it's going to be me. I'm afraid enough that I've been having dreams about it for the past 2 nights.
Tonight we are supposed to find out what the Coach has decided. My stomach has butterflies even as I write this but I wanted to write about it because if it happens that I'm the alternate, I want to accept it gracefully and without abusing myself like I would have in the past. I don't need the voices in my head that say I'm no good and never will be. I refuse to accept the label I was given in my past, by myself and others, that I am inadequate and somehow defective.
I believe I am a good fencer who doesn't always fence as good as I could when it's for competition. Once we start keeping score or my Coach watches me in order to critique my fencing, my skill level drops. I think what makes the difference between good fencers and great fencers is whether or not they can perform under pressure. Until just recently, I would have said that it will always be that way with me but I think I have turned some sort of "corner". I refuse to let anyone, most of all myself, tell me I'm inadequate. I refuse to spend the rest of my life beating myself up when I don't win, even though I have done my best.
I'm a good fencer...and I'm going to be a great fencer because I have what it takes and I won't let anyone, including myself, abuse or bully me anymore. And if it turns out that I am the alternate, I'll be the BEST damn alternate... because I say so!
I'm going to Summer Nationals in one week. I will be fencing in the veteran women's epee and as part of a women's epee team. In the team event there are four members on each team, three who fence and one who is the alternate. My coach has been watching us fence each other for the past 2-3 weeks in order to determine who should be the alternate. My fencing hasn't been my best recently and I'm afraid it's going to be me. I'm afraid enough that I've been having dreams about it for the past 2 nights.
Tonight we are supposed to find out what the Coach has decided. My stomach has butterflies even as I write this but I wanted to write about it because if it happens that I'm the alternate, I want to accept it gracefully and without abusing myself like I would have in the past. I don't need the voices in my head that say I'm no good and never will be. I refuse to accept the label I was given in my past, by myself and others, that I am inadequate and somehow defective.
I believe I am a good fencer who doesn't always fence as good as I could when it's for competition. Once we start keeping score or my Coach watches me in order to critique my fencing, my skill level drops. I think what makes the difference between good fencers and great fencers is whether or not they can perform under pressure. Until just recently, I would have said that it will always be that way with me but I think I have turned some sort of "corner". I refuse to let anyone, most of all myself, tell me I'm inadequate. I refuse to spend the rest of my life beating myself up when I don't win, even though I have done my best.
I'm a good fencer...and I'm going to be a great fencer because I have what it takes and I won't let anyone, including myself, abuse or bully me anymore. And if it turns out that I am the alternate, I'll be the BEST damn alternate... because I say so!
posted by Lori | 2:02 PM
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