Personal Value

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. ~Author Unknown

I have a long history of devaluing myself. I was told all my life that I was a disappointment by my parents for a variety of reasons. Over the years I've been told by others the same thing. I used to think the common denominator in all the situations was just me...I was the disappointment. I've taken this idea and run with it most of my life. I believed what I was told and I have suffered with self-hatred most of my life because of it.

Recently I've started to think about this in another way. The common denominator is still me, but in a different way. Perhaps it has less to do with me being innately defective, and more to do with the type of people I have chosen to be around most of my life.

For the most part, I have surrounded myself with people who respond like my parents did, usually to a lesser degree, but the response is still the same. As long as I behave "appropriately" (AKA doing what they think I should do), I am accepted. But when I step outside of the lines drawn by them, the response can be anything from a lecture about how wrong I am, to the outright loss of love and friendship.

I've been working hard at valuing myself more. It's hard breaking free from old habits and beliefs, and my tendency is still to crawl back to the person I've disappointed and beg forgiveness. But I'm tired of asking to be forgiven for things that weren't wrong and I'm not going to let someone else's opinion, belief or behavior cause me to abuse myself emotionally anymore.

The bottomline is if someone wants to be in my life, they will have to accept me as I am, not what they think I "should" be. I will gladly apologize for things I do wrong or for hurts I've inadvertently caused but I won't let someone else decide for me anymore if I am a disappointment.

If you want me in your life, I'll be there...if not, it's your loss as well as mine.