Losing Freedom

The Buddha answered: "When you take things it is because of a thirst, a clinging, and a grasping. You should lose that and lose it altogether, above, below, around, and within. It makes no difference what it is you are grasping. When you grasp, ...you are losing your freedom. Realize this and grasp at nothing. Then you will cease being a creature of attachment, tied to the powers of death."-


A friend of mine posted this on facebook and it reminded me of the things I learned and liked about buddhism. The concept that we cause our own suffering because of our attachments to people and things makes sense to me. I know that when it comes to suffering I'm my own worst enemy. I'm forever grasping at what I want and when I don't get it, I suffer...sometimes a lot. Buddha was right. When I hold tight, what I want slips from my hands.

I want to be free from attachments and suffering and just be open to whatever God does with my future.

Fix it, stand it, or quit it.

Its been so long since I've blogged that I almost forgot how to access my page. I guess I didn't have anything to say until now. I just finished watching Brokeback Mountain again. Its the story of 2 people in an unbearable situation. Its a good movie, but a sad one. Time ran out on them before they could make a life together. Tragedy put an end to any chance of a future together.

This is one of the most difficult dialogues in the movie for me.

Ennis Del Mar: We can get together... once in a while, way the hell out in the middle of nowhere, but...

Jack Twist: Once in a while? Every four f***in' years?

Ennis Del Mar: If you can't fix it, Jack, you gotta stand it.

Jack Twist: For how long?

Ennis Del Mar: For as long as we can ride it. There ain't no reins on this one.

Later, full of emotion and frustration over never being able to have what he needs, Jack says to Ennis, ”I wish I knew how to quit you.”

I understand his frustration. I share it with him. I don't know what to do to be able to "stand it" and I don't know how to "quit it". I guess when I can figure out how to do one or the other, my frustration will be gone.

Something has to break here soon. If I have to quit, I'll have to leave. I can't quit and stay. I keep waiting for the "happy ending" that you always see inthe movies. I guess eventually I'll have to accept the possibility that happy endings are rare and I probably won't get one.

I Am Here

A miracle is a sensibly perceptible interruption of the laws of nature, such that can only be explained by divine intervention (Wikipedia)

I'm still here despite not having blogged for 8 months. I guess I just needed a break. I started back today because I came across this portion of a sermon and it really spoke to me. I think its worth sharing. If you've ever prayed for a miracle in your life, this might speak to you too.

WAIT FOR GOD TO WORK HIS MIRACLE

If you have a promise from God that hasn’t happened yet, there is a process by which the Lord brings promises to fulfillment: (1) God gives a promise; (2) He removes the human possibility of fulfilling it; (3) God brings the fulfillment. When God gives a promise over your life, this process immediately goes into motion. Even if the promise seems to be simple and easy to fulfill, if it’s a real prophesy of the Lord, it’s going to take a miracle to get it.

We often look for instant deliverances, speedy fulfillment of promises and prophesy from God. If you’re thinking, “I had such a fantastic Word over my life. God confirmed it to my heart many times. But I’ve been in this impossible situation so long, I wonder if it will ever come to pass.” Great! Now you’re in the place where God can move.

Are you between a rock and a hard place today? Before we can have tenacious faith, we have to give up trusting in our own strength, reserves and abilities. If you have a promise from God, but it’s presently impossible for it to happen, rejoice! God finally has you at the end of yourself. (The Rev Anne Barber, Pastor of My Father's House Church, Ellenton, FL)

I am so there in my life. I am here, at the end of myself, waiting on God. If you are where I am, the only thing we have control over is whether or not to rejoice.

Today, my choice is to rejoice in God's work in my life, and yours.

Commitment

Today these two women legally married. One is 87 and the other is 84 and they've been together for 55 years. That's 55 years of a commitment that they could have walked away from at any point over the years without any legal issues. That's 55 years facing prejudice and discrimination in the name of love...only love.

I have no desire to discuss the "right or wrong" of gay marriages. I have no soapbox today. There is one thing I do know...when I look at my life, I can say with certainty that they have more of a right to marry than me.

I'm glad that they've had this opportunity before one of them dies. They've earned it. My best wishes to them both.

Notes of a Believer

Everything is possible for the one who believes (Mark 9:23)

I have a daily devotional that has been helpful to me over the past few years. It's called "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman. I find things in there that help me keep going when it seems that I have hit a dead end in my life. The reading today was about the bible verse from Mark.

The "everything" mentioned here does not always come simply by asking, because God is always seeking to teach you the way of faith. When you have made your request to God, and the answer still has not come, what are you to do? Keep on believing His word! Never be swayed from it by what you may see or feel. Then as you stand firm, your power and experience is being developed, strengthened, and deepened. When you remain unswayed from your stance of faith, even in the view of supposed contradictions to God's word, you grow stronger on every front.

No amount of persecution will try you as much as experiences like these - ones in which you are required to wait on God. Once He has spoken His promise to work, it is truly hard to wait as you see the days go by with no fulfillment. Yet it is this discipline of faith that will bring you into the knowledge of God that would otherwise be impossible. (pg 191-192)

The thing I like best about this verse is that it is unlimited. It says "everything is possible". There is no wiggle room in that as long as I believe...and believing is one thing I'm good at. I'm not always patient and cheerful. I often get frustrated and sad because I believe I'm ready and apparently God doesn't think so yet. But believing in God's promise is one thing I am unshakeable on.

It kind of makes me think about someone who is doing time in prison. Even though they know that their release will eventually come, I'm sure they always hold out hope for an early parole.

I will continue to pray and ask God for an "early parole" from my self-imposed prison of anxiety about my life and future. I will try harder to enjoy my life as it is right now and learn to submit to the will of God.

But there continues to be a little voice that whispers in my ear about watching lightening bugs with my best friend.

Changes

A Change Is Gonna Come
(Sam Cooke)

I was born by the river in a little tent
And just like the river, I've been running ever since
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come

It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come

There's more to the song, but you get the idea. I feel change coming. No, its not Obama, Hilary or McCain. Its not even political...its personal. I've been told by several people, not in consultation with each other, that they feel change coming for me in May. Now, in all fairness, they didn't say which May. They just have said they believe something will change for me in May.

Well, last May came and went. This May is coming soon. I haven't seen any external signs of change but I can feel some internal ones coming. Mainly I'm feeling less and less willing to live my life alone.

I don't need much, except a neat and quiet home that I can share with someone I love. I don't need my own space (except for my own side of the bed and space on the dresser) and I don't need constant interaction. What I do need is to be able to be in the same place with the person I love. I don't need to talk all the time. I am happy to just be, as long as I can share the same space. I guess I'm a lot like Hannah. When she lays on the couch next to me, she is content just to be near me.

Hannah is a wonderful companion, but I need and want more than just companionship. I want passion, love, friendship, shared spirituality, respect, and commitment. I want complete trust - the kind that allows me to be myself without fear. I want to give the same in return. I want to be the rock that my husband can depend on...and the one that he shelters under his wings. I know God has a plan for me but I'm weary of waiting.

It's been a long time coming, but I know a change is gonna come.

Change is coming. I feel it...and I need it, even if I'm the one who has to make it happen.

Truth

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Wow, did this jump off the page at me! This is so true for my life that I can't even bring myself to comment on it. I wouldn't know how to start or what to say.

I think I'll just pass.