Dance With Me

LORD, I CANNOT DANCE UNLESS YOU LEAD ME.
-Mechthild of Majdeburg-

I took dance classes a couple of years ago, much to Dwight's dismay. We took three series of ballroom dancing, three private salsa lessons, and part of a class that was a mix of salsa for one hour and western,(or was it eastern?), swing for the second hour. I loved it all despite poor Dwight's absolute misery. I do appreciate and love him for his willingness to endure misery for me. He really did a good job, especially in ballroom dancing, despite what he thinks.

One thing I learned, especially in the salsa class, was how amazingly easy and fun it was when you were being led by someone who really knew the steps and how to lead. It made me happy and freed my spirit. I loved moving to the beat. I think I would fence better if it was done to a consistent beat.

I found this quote today while reading about prayer and it made sense to me. Life for me, is like trying to dance the salsa with a partner who can't lead. It's confusing and I stumble through most of it with frustration at not being able to be "in sync". The worst part is that I keep trying to lead, and I'm a lousy leader. I can't gracefully lead myself through life. I need a partner to follow who is a strong leader, because even though I can't lead, I will always keep trying.

I never thought I'd ever understand the concept of being led by a man, but not only do I understand it now, I actually want it. I want a strong man who will lead me in life and in my spiritual growth. I know I'll always try to take over control but that's why he needs to be strong. It is never good for me to be stronger than the person I follow.

So, while I wait for the man God wants me to follow, I will do my best to follow the God of my understanding. God will have to lead me right now until my future partner taps God on the shoulder and asks to take over the dance.

I don't know when it will be, but I can't wait for the joy of dancing with him.

It's The Real Thing

This was a really fun weekend for me. I had the opportunity to experience what I consider the "real America". I took Dwight to the Waffle House this Saturday. He was a "Flea House" virgin. Frankye nicknamed it the "flea house" and the name stuck with me. We used to stop there when we traveled because Frankye loved their coffee. They have this specialty of hash browns that you can get many ways. I like the "scattered, smothered(with onions),and covered(topped with melted cheese). You can also get them with ham, peppers, chili, etc. The Waffle House is a real old fashioned diner and the food is really good, even if a little on the sleazy side.

We sat at the counter because there were no open booths. I'm glad we did because it allowed us to watch the cooks and the waitresses do their thing. They call out the orders to the cooks (who don't write anything down)and somehow they know which of the plates of eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast grits and waffles belong to their respective tables. We were in awe watching the process. There were two cooks and five waitresses and they hustled. I never saw any of them stop to do nothing.

The grill cook was the only man and appeared to be the youngest one there...probably in his mid to late 20's. The waitresses all looked over 40 and had the appearance of people who have done this kind of work for many years. They were real "old hands" at cranking out the food, snapping at each other at times, and keeping the customer satisfied. It was pretty amazing. They weren't afraid to work.

The clientele was equally interesting. These were "real" people. These weren't the ones who go to Cracker Barrel. This was the real "melting pot" of America where the people were different from each other, yet more alike than different. They were friendly, minded their own business, and waited patiently for their food. I think you could have found a "story" at each table.

Needless to say, Dwight loved it. I'm sure we'll go back. It's a real place, run by real people, who serve real people...and who do it on their feet for hours.

The other things we did was go to a Suns baseball game today. Dwight, Kess and I had great seats over the 3rd baseline. The field was beautiful, the weather perfect, and the hot dogs tasted like they never do at home. Unfortunately, the Suns lost but for those of us who attended, we came away winners anyway. Between the National Anthem, the "zooperstars" entertainers (who were terrific and hilarious) and the kids (hundreds of them) running the bases after the game, it was so obviously "real" America.

America...with all its faults and difficulties, is still the "real thing". It was good to see that the real America still exists and I'm proud to be a part of the greatest country in the world.

As Days Go By

No amount of persecution will try you as much as experiences like these - ones in which you are required to wait on God. Once He has spoken His promise to work, it is truly hard to wait as you see the days go by with no fulfillment. Yet it is this discipline of faith that will bring you into a knowledge of God that would otherwise be impossible.

I'm ashamed of my inability to sustain my faith. I think it happens most when I can't overcome fear. I think of Peter and his denial of Christ because of fear. I guess I'm in good company but I keep wanting my faith to be stronger than anyone else's. I want to be perfect in everything...my faith, my fencing, my work, my loving, my life. The harder I try, the more imperfect I become.

I love God. I always have. I suppose that's why I feel so ashamed when I fail at my faith. The more something is important to me, the more ashamed I am when I let myself and others down.

So, I will try once more to not give up on anything, especially my faith in God's word. God spoke His promise to me and I have to believe God will follow it through to completion. If I can't be perfect in anything else, I'd like to be perfect in my faith.

God, forgive me my for my unfaithfulness and help me to wait on you no matter how long or painful it may be.

Crying

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
Alex Tan quotes


I hate crying. Crying seems so useless. It blocks my sinuses, makes my eyes look awful, and gives me a headache. Once I start crying it seems to take on a life of its own and I don't seem to have the ability to stop it. I know I'm supposed to feel better after having a "good cry" but most of the time I feel worse. I mainly cry over two things - my fencing and the man I love.

I frequently cry when I'm fencing because of the sheer frustration of not being able to make my body do what my mind knows to do. I grew up being very good in sports. Sports like baseball, kickball and rowing came easily for me. Its hard when I find myself in something that doesn't come naturally. But the tears make me see the truth about my fencing. The truth is I will never be an Olympic fencer, I will never win a gold medal for my coach, and I may never get much better despite being pain free.

I hate seeing life more clearly, that's why I hate crying.

The other thing I cry about is the man I love. Crying has made me weary and I'm tired of trying. I give up. Crying over him has made things clearer than I ever wanted them to be. He is unavailable to me and I guess I've been playing a game in my head about that. He had a chance to choose me and didn't. He took a different road and I see that very clearly now...and it hurts,damn it.

So, I don't plan to cry anymore. I have no desire to see anything else with greater clarity. He doesn't do anything that he doesn't really want to do and I've seen enough to know that he is where he wants to be. I want him to be happy...but I wanted it to be with me.

I hate seeing life more clearly, that's why I hate crying.

Hate Crimes Bill

I've been seeing news reports on the recent House Bill HR1592 that adds sexual orientation to the list of groups that are subject to "hate" crimes. I want to say right up front that I am not a proponent of hate crime legislation. To me, crime is crime is crime and should be dealt with the same way no matter what group is involved. To do otherwise is in itself criminal.

What concerns me about what I have been reading is the idea that the addition of sexual orientation as a hate crime would somehow limit the right of free speech for those who do not approve of the gay lifestyle. Take this quote for example:
"This unconstitutional bill would effectively give the federal government authority to punish American citizens for 'thought crimes' — a concept that has Big Brother written all over it. There are already state and local laws on the books that punish violent crime against any and all Americans," said Boehner, R-Ohio.

And from the religious right, this comment:
But Dr. James C. Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, warned that the true intent of the bill was "to muzzle people of faith who dare to express their moral and biblical concerns about homosexuality." If you read the Bible in a certain way, he told his broadcast listeners, "you may be guilty of committing a 'thought crime."'

If this were the case, I would be wholeheartedly opposed to it, and so I decided to bypass the "news" reports of the bill and go right to the actual bill itself so I could find out what it really said. Here is an example of what the bill actually says:

(2) OFFENSES INVOLVING ACTUAL OR PERCEIVED RELIGION, NATIONAL ORIGIN, GENDER, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, GENDER IDENTITY, OR DISABILITY-
`(A) IN GENERAL- Whoever, whether or not acting under color of law, in any circumstance described in subparagraph (B), willfully causes bodily injury to any person or, through the use of fire, a firearm, or an explosive or incendiary device, attempts to cause bodily injury to any person, because of the actual or perceived religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability of any person--
The whole bill can be read by linking onto the Library of Congress site http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c110:H.R.+1592:

Maybe I'm missing something but would someone show me where in this bill it implies anything about "thought crimes" or the inability to exercise free speech? This is not a rhetorical question...I really want to know. If it does, then I agree that its wrong and should be vetoed. If it doesn't, then why is it being presented that way by the conservatives and religious right?

If crime is a crime is a crime, then truth is the truth is the truth. Right?