A Step back

I haven't been doing the straight life very long and getting to know men on a personal and sometimes intimate level has been a good experience for me. I am grateful that the men I've gotten close to are men of quality and integrity. When I interact with them I have a hard time understanding why women frequently speak so badly about men in general. I feel safe with the men I know.

In reading the news today, I came across a story about the horrible things being done to the women of the Congo by the Congolese soldiers. It seems rape is the order of the day...and not just "ordinary" American-style rape (which is bad enough) but very damaging and heartbreaking rape that frequently includes the woman watching her husband and children killed and raped as well. Here are a few excerpts:

"Also in the room is 28-year-old Henriette Nyota. Her spirit is all but broken. Three years ago, she said, she was gang raped as her husband and four children were forced to watch. The men in uniform then disemboweled her husband and continued raping her and her two oldest daughters, 10 and 8. The assault went on for three days."

"Fifteen-year-old Olivier was sitting down to dinner with his family when the front door of their house was smashed in. Olivier's father was the first to be killed followed by his mother, right in front of the children. They then raped Olivier's three sisters, and when he tried to fight them they turned on him. One at a time, more than a dozen in all, he said."

Reading these stories terrify me. What if that happened to me?? Could I survive it?? Would I want to??

I always expect people who do horrible things to others to look like horrible people...but they usually look just like everyone else. They look like, and many times are, someone's husband and father. What changes men in order for them to behave this way?? What keeps the men I know from changing like this??

Stories like this make me want to retreat back into a manless world for safety (or perceived safety). How do I stay open to the good men I know without always wondering. I can't imagine the men I know doing something like that but what about the wives and daughters of the Congolese soldiers...can they imagine their men doing this?

Today I'm feeling apprehensive about men...not afraid exactly...but not as trusting.

Nothing Better

Baseball...The All American Pastime. There isn't anything else that can compare to sitting in a stadium watching a baseball game. The sounds, the smells, the tastes, the feel of the breeze that unfurls the flag and cools the skin, and the sight of kids with their gloves waiting for a ball to come their way...these are the things of baseball.

Where else do hot dogs and peanuts taste so good? Where else can you have so much fun for a relatively low price? I went to a Jax Suns game tonight and along with seeing the game, I got to watch "Elvis Himselvis", an Elvis impersonator, sing a song in front of the crowd between each inning. I watched kids race SouthPaw, the Sun's mascot, two couples racing to break balloons against each other's bodies, two Sumo wrestlers, and fireworks that lit up the dark sky.

What a great way to spend 3 hours of my life. It was worth every minute of it.

Persistence

So long as there is breath in me, that long I will persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles on success; if I persist long enough I will win.

Og Mandino

Persistence come from the Latin word "persistere" meaning "stand firm". I was getting my shoes out of the closet one day during a very trying time in my life, and I felt at a loss to know what to do next. In frustration I said out loud to God, "what are we supposed to do"?? I heard a very definite voice say to me "stand firm". When I told Frankye about what I heard, she broke out in chill bumps because, unknown to me, the sermon she was working on was based on the verse in Galatians that tells us to "stand firm". It was a very strange experience.

Persistence is one quality that some might call a strength, and others a defect. Either way it's one that I have in large amounts. I didn't intend to have it and there have been people in my life that wish I didn't have it...but I do. My persistence is mutiplied even greater when I believe something strongly. I may get discouraged sometimes, but I don't give up.

God has given me the gift of persistence...the ability to "stand firm". It's what keeps me going when what I see in front of me seems contrary to what I know God has told me. I will continue to stand firm in claiming God's plan for my life.

I can do nothing else but follow...with persistence.

Motherhood

Sunday is Mother's Day and I couldn't let it pass without saying something about my experience with motherhood. I've had the opportunity to be a "step-mother" to Tammy, Kim, Jennifer, Tracy, Shannon, and Todd. The most intensive was with Tammy and Kim due to their ages when I came into their lives, but I have a broad range of feeling for all of them that goes from deep love to occasional aggravation, depending on the person. I don't know if any of them except for Tammy ever considered me their step-mother and certainly the legal system never did. Despite that, I felt that way toward them all in my heart.

I had the opportunity to be a "legal" mother once when I tried to adopt Al from Colombia. I had him for about a year and a half when I took him back. The adoption papers had never been finalized by the Colombian authorities, and had actually been lost. I was so ill equipped to be a mother to a 12 year old boy who was raised on the streets in Bogota and was illiterate in both English and Spanish. He turned me every which way but loose. Perhaps if things back in the 80's had been more Hispanic friendly like today, there might have been more resources for me to access. I will always wonder if I gave up too soon and I will always love him.

I've also had the opportunity to be a grandmother to Taylor, Julian, Jake and Sarah. All four of them accepted me without question or apparent discomfort. They never seemed to mind having two(or even three)grandmothers. They are growing up so fast and they are all wonderful young people.

I also had the opportunity to "mother" my own mother when she had her stroke and was unable to talk, read, or write but understood everything perfectly. To be the one to speak for her, be her advocate, cut her nails, brush her teeth, feed her when she couldn't, and try to make the very difficult predicament she found herself in a little brighter and loving was heartbreaking, and also an honor. To decide to let her go when she was so sick was the only gift I could give her except for my love. It will be 2 years, on June 27, that she died, 79 years to the day that she was born.

I could easily write about the mistakes and abuses that I endured at the hands of my mother as I grew up. But I need to look at my own "mothering" mistakes before I can judge her too harshly. I've done my best to be a good mother, step-mother, grandmother and daughter. I'm not sure that those who were exposed to my mothering could speak any better of me. What I do know is that I have loved them all and consider it an honor to have had any part of their lives.

On this Mother's day, I want to remember my mother who struggled all her life with brittle bone disease, suffering one broken bone after another from the time she was 2 month old, and who died the way she dreaded...the resident of a nursing home and the victim of a stroke. She also lost her son to an auto accident when he was just 26 years old, leaving two small children.

On this Mother's Day, I want to remember Tammy, shot in the head and back by an 11 year old boy attempting to steal her car. She had just turned 30 the month before. She was more like my natural child than any other. We had a very special bond and I will always miss her.

On this Mother's Day, I want to remember Todd, who died twelve days ago, in the prime of his life, of a head injury sustained in an auto accident. He was a special man and I will miss him.

I'm grateful for my mother and the things she tried to do right. I miss her terribly. In the end we had made a relationship that was loving and good after so many years of difficulty.

I pray for wisdom and comfort for the mothers I know who are grieving. They will feel the loss of their children deeper than they will ever be able to say. I wish I could take away their pain.

Empty

I haven't felt like posting in a while...and I still don't.

What's the point anyway?

The Unwelcome Call

Today is a sad day. Frankye's son, Todd, was killed yesterday in a car accident. He was 42 and his mother always knew Todd would not outlive her. Frankye has a "gift" for knowing things sometimes, and she has spoken about this many times over the years. She has been living with the dread of losing her son...of getting that call.

Yesterday the call came and it's very sad.