Baby Daddy

Ok, at the risk of sounding like an "old fart" (to borrow Dwight's term), I want to say something about the whole "baby daddy" thing. I know you've seen this in the movies, and on Maury and Springer, but I see it every day on my job...and I'm tired of it. The idea that it's ok to have multiple children, all by different men, unmarried, and many times having their medical care paid for by my tax money, irks me. It's not that I have anything against single parent families. I know there are situations where that can't be avoided, but to go from one man to the next, having another baby, and not being able to afford the maternity care or child care, just doesn't seem right to me, not to mention the fact that the guys seem to "get off" without any responsibility at all (no pun intended).

To make matters worse, this seems to be a very "American" phenomenon. I rarely ever see this behavior in my Hispanic, Asian, Middle Eastern, and Eastern European patients. When I ask my patient if the father of her current pregnancy is the same as her other children, she usually looks at me like she can't comprehend the reason for the question. The answer is usually a puzzled
"of course".

I can only hope that these "foreigners" don't become too "americanized". They obviously have the concept of family down better that we do, and personally, I am embarrassed by what I see in my white and black American patients who seem to be clueless about the importance of a cohesive family unit.

Even though my non-American patients are frequently viewed as second class people, perhaps we can learn some "family" values from them.

Ugly Americans

I've been thinking a lot about this immigration issue. In my work I have many illegal aliens and many non-english speaking patients. I hear so many people complain about their tax dollars being wasted on non-Americans. Well, I have a news flash for them...your tax dollars are being wasted on "Americans" too! (But that is a whole other discussion). Many times the ones who are "non-American" are more motivated to make a better life than those who have been born and raised in this country. I'd rather pay my tax dollars to those who are motivated to make their lives and the lives of their children better any day.

Its easy to speak negatively about a whole group of people. It gets harder when you start to get to know them as individuals. My hispanic patients make up the bulk of my foreign patients and I have found them to be friendly, caring, family centered people who are doing their best to become a part of this country, yet still not lose the good parts of being hispanic. Does that make them poor citizen material? I think not.

And this whole business of language gripes me too. I have found that my Hispanic clients are just as nervous about trying out their limited english as I am about trying my limited spanish, but I've found that they will try harder when I try even a little. They want to learn english. I don't understand the resistance Americans have to learning spanish. Will knowing more than one language make us less American? Are we afraid that the spanish language will become the new "American" language? I think we will see that it will probably go the same way as Italian, German, French, etc, went with earlier waves of immigration. As generations pass, English will remain the primary language, with knowledge of other languages being a plus.

I think we who are American citizens owe it to our country and our world to set the example of how a free country treats all people. We talk freedom and individual rights for all people but when we draw the circle of inclusion, it frequently extends only a little past ourselves, thereby excluding anyone we find too "foreign" (AKA anyone not like us). I guess it all boils down to fear and the only way to combat that is to get to know the individuals in the groups that you fear and distrust.

Until we get over our fear, I'm afraid we will continue to appear at times to be "Ugly Americans".

"Self-Made Man"

I'm reading a book called "Self-Made Man" by Norah Vincent. The book is about her experience of living as a man in order to learn more about men and their world. This had nothing to do with her changing gender. She lived the role for 18 months and then wrote a book about what she learned (and went back to living as a woman).

It's funny...I spent my whole life "feeling male" and always felt like I didn't belong in the female role. That feeling changed when I changed almost 4 years ago. The interesting thing is that even though I felt male, I never learned to think or feel "male". It wasn't until I changed and got to know men better that I realized how much of a girl I really was! I wonder how part of me knew it and the rest of me didn't.

I have done a lot of reading about men and how they differ from women. I've also had a couple of good men that have helped me. I have discovered that I really like the differences between the sexes. I have a lot of respect for men and I'm learning better how to accept the caring things they do even when words of caring aren't spoken. I'm also learning about some of the things that are important to men: respect, recognition of their accomplishments, being admired by those they care about and by their peers, gratitude for what they provide, and sex. I'm sure this list isn't complete but these are the things I've learned about so far. What I don't understand is why those things are seen as being too difficult for some women to give. Surely those things are important to women as well.

Sometimes, the more I learn about men, the less I like about women. But, of course, there's always two sides to any story...right?

Please Lord

"Faith is no more the elimination of doubt than courage is the absence of fear"

I don't remember where I found this quote but it captured my attention enough that I copied it down and stuck it away in a drawer. I came across it today while searching for something else. I like it because if it's true, then maybe my times of doubt and questioning don't automatically mean I have weak faith.

Perhaps the fact that I keep acting on my belief, despite the doubts I feel, means I have a stronger faith than I give myself credit for. I guess "doubt" and "fear" are the feelings..."faith" and "courage" are the actions.

Please Lord, help me to keep "doing", and not just "feeling".

"What a Wonderful World"

"I see trees of green, red roses too
I see ’em bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, clouds of white
The bright blessed days and dark sacred nights
And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces, of people going by
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’ how do you do?
They’re really sayin’, I love you.
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more, than I’ll never know
And I think to myself...what a wonderful world"

Can you hear it? Can you hear Louis Armstrong singing the song "What a Wonderful World"? It's one of my favorite songs and one that reminds me of Frankye's mother whenever I hear it. She wanted that song played at her funeral (and it was). I think it says so much about the kind of person she was that despite her agoraphobia, she saw the world as wonderful.

I went yesterday to meet my cousins' daughters' new baby. Thanks to the internet I learned that Sally is my cousin, her daughter Amy, who I always thought was my second cousin, is actually my "first cousin once removed", and her new baby, Erin, is my "first cousin twice removed". Who knew?? It is a little complicated but it has to do with whether or not you share the same grandparents.

Seeing Erin made me think of Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World", especially the line, "I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They’ll learn much more, than I’ll never know", and I realized that it's true, she will. The world will be so much different for her than it was for Frankye's mom and someday she will look at a new baby and realize the same thing. I hope when that time comes she can say it's a wonderful world too. I know if her parents and grandmother have anything to do with it she will. She is a special new life, and a welcome addition to our dwindling family.

I guess this is the stuff of life.

God, who does not lie, promised (Titus 1:2)

"Faith is not conjuring up, through an act of your will, a sense of certainty that something is going to happen. No, it is recognizing God's promise as an actual fact, believing it is true, rejoicing in the knowledge of that truth, and then simply resting because God said it.

Faith turns a promise into a prophecy. A promise is contingent upon our cooperation, but when we exercise genuine faith in it, it becomes a prophecy. Then we can move ahead with certainty that it will come to pass, because God...does not lie". (from Days of Heaven upon Earth)

I'm feeling quiet and "odd" today...not much to say. I think when a person has true faith, they are calm and not anxious. I can tell I'm not feeling very anxious today because not feeling anxious feels foreign and like there is something wrong, yet there isn't. I guess not being anxious can cause anxiety in someone not used to the feeling of well-being!!

I would love to be able to say that I can "simply rest because God said it" all the time. Of course, I can't... or don't. Perhaps I create my own "crisis of faith" because having true faith feels too odd. I'm addicted to anxiety to the point that I will conjure up something to worry about. The truth is I have been greatly blessed by God and have a wondeful life. If God gives me nothing more, I have been given much more than I deserve.

Of course, that doesn't keep me from holding God to His promise!

Just Call Me Thomas

I woke up today with a mixture of happiness and fear. The happiness feels very good and peaceful. The fear is anxiety producing and anything but peaceful. Maybe the fear and anxiety are one. I'm not sure. What I am sure about is that the fear is very familiar, like an old friend that I never really liked but can't get away from.

This feeling comes on the heels of a very good day yesterday. I felt very content and peaceful when I went to sleep last night...even after having fenced, which rarely happens due to my need to be perfect at it. Perhaps I felt better after fencing because I'm putting more effort and concentration into it and trying to be less self-conscious. I guess the coaching technique worked...now I pay more attention to what I'm doing because I'm afraid my coach will make me mad again. Even knowing what he's doing won't stop me from reacting. I'm grateful I wasn't born a fish...I would have been someone's dinner real fast. All you have to do is throw the hook and I bite...even when I know what's happening!

I think what I'm feeling today is fear of loss. I'm not sure how I can lose something I don't really have yet but feelings rarely make sense, do they? Reality tells me one thing but my heart tells me something completely different. I'm so afraid that reality will win. But isn't fear like this a lack of faith? This is the circular dilemma I find myself in often, and I'm sure I'm not unique in this.

Faith is so hard. Even Thomas, who was knew Jesus, needed evidence. If someone who knew Jesus "in the flesh" had trouble, it's no wonder I have difficulty. Thomas must have been terribly afraid of losing Jesus, so much so that he couldn't believe even when Jesus was standing right in front of him.

I have a wonderful devotional book called "Streams in the desert", that speaks to my heart. In one of the selections it talks about God telling Abraham he would father a child at his advanced age and become "the father of many nations". Here is the part of what it says that I really need to hear.

"And Abraham thought of himself as a father, because God had said so. That is genuine faith - believing and declaring what God has said, stepping out on what appears to be thin air and finding solid rock beneath your feet. Therefore boldly declare what God says you have, and He will accomplish what you believe. You must, however, exhibit genuine faith and trust Him with your entire being" (from Crumbs).

"With your entire being"...I guess that means I need to give up the fear and anxiety. It will be hard to see that "old friend" that I never really liked anyway, go away. Sometimes its hard to let go of the old ways, even when I know they aren't good for me.

Heart's Desire

"I am not worthy, Master and Lord, that you should come beneath the roof of my soul: yet since you in your love toward all wish to dwell in me, in boldness I come" (St. John Chrysostom)

Its difficult to "come in boldness" when you know you aren't worthy. I believe God is doing something special in my life for a very specific reason. I can't believe God has chosen me when there are so many others that are "more worthy".

I want to be worthy to serve God and my husband.

Got Approval?

Well, now I've gone and done it! I told some of my friends about my blog. Now I'm scared. I know it probably sounds silly but one of my biggest character defects is my need to be liked and approved of by others, especially those important to me. I know that doesn't make me unique but frankly I don't care about the fact that others feel the same way...I want to stop worrying about what others think.

I had an interesting experience last week while taking my fencing lesson. I came in to the fencing room to start my lesson only to find my coach's words and attitude seeming to imply that I wasn't improving, the lessons weren't helping, and he was angry with me for wasting his time. Immediately my feelings were hurt and I couldn't understand why he was being so "mean" to me. I choked back the tears and my self-defensiveness kicked in and I got angry. After several minutes of fencing my coach said "I guess I have to make you angry to get you to fence better". Now I was furious! I couldn't believe he had intentionally made me mad..how could he do that???

Needless to say, being furious, I fenced even better. Don't you just hate when someone knows you well enough to hook you into feeling what they want you to feel? And isn't it even worse when they are right?

I guess if I didn't care what people thought of me, I might feel better inside...but my fencing would suck!

Free Will and Ferris Wheels

I've been thinking about this free will concept. I believe God intended us to have free will but sometimes it doesn't always feel so "free". It reminds me of a ferris wheel experience I had as a child. My father convinced me to join him on the ferris wheel even though I was (and still am) afraid of heights. I agreed on the condition that he not rock the car we were in. Well, you can guess the story...we stopped at the very top and my father proceeds to rock the car, thereafter ruining my sense of trust in his word. He thought it was funny...I was terrified. I guess I exercised my "free will" by agreeing to ride but I obviously had no control over anything else during the ride.

Its been almost 4 years now since God changed me one evening from being a lesbian boy to a straight woman overnight. There was no free will in that decision except for the decision to trust whatever God was doing with my life. I guess I agreed to "take the ride" but after that decision I was just at the mercy of the One who really had the control. My attraction to women disappeared, thereby disrupting my relationship with my lovers (16 years with one, and 6 years with the three of us), it became expensive with the need to change clothing styles (I hadn't worn any women's clothes in 15+ years), and gave my mother the satisfaction that the 50 year "phase" I was going through was finally over. She had won the prayer lottery and now her daughter was straight! It was never a "moral" or "religious" issue for me. I always believed, and still do, that God created me the way I was. I guess He decided to re-create me.

Here's the rub with that free will thing. With the change of lifestyle came the infusion of love for a man. Here's where God reminds me of my father...I agreed to take the ride and put my whole life, heart and soul into it. Now that I'm hanging up there in the air, I realize that even though God re-created me for a specific person and for reasons I've yet to understand, I'm in that familiar position of not having anymore control than I did as a child. And on top of that...the man has free will himself, so God won't make him take the ride,. He has to choose it.

So I just keep riding the ferris wheel, waiting for him to join me on the ride. I guess that's what faith is all about. The interesting thing is that I really trust this man to not rock the car. I hope I get the chance to find out.

Sex and The City

I love watching "Sex and the City". All the women in it seem so dysfunctional but normal. I watch the program in an attempt to learn what it is that women do so I can try to be one. I'm still not sure I'm getting it. I look at them, then I look at me, then I look at them again. Its a game I don't really know how to play.

I guess its a little like my fencing. I just keep trying even though I'm not sure I really "get it". I just keep going out there hoping that it looks like I'm improving.

Computer Challenged

I'm so glad I decided to try something new that challenges my computer skills...it is one way to keep me humble. Sometimes I think there is an electronics "gene" and I didn't get it. Maybe its just harder for over 50 brains to make sense of how it all works.

It occurs to me that computer skills are like life. I guess you never really have to understand how it all works but you have to just keep trying.

Dr. Phil and Wayne Dyer

I have watched both of these men and listened to what they say about life and relationships. The things they say make so much sense...why are they so hard to do? I'm supposed to be practicing ways to decrease my anxiety. I'm apparently wound pretty tight most of the time, even when I think I am relaxed. I'm not sure I'd know what relaxed feels like.

I think my persistent state of anxiety goes way back to my childhood when I spent my time trying to figure out what I was doing wrong to make my mother so angry with me. I never did figure it out. I don't think I met her expectations. She didn't meet mine either. In spite of it all, when she died we both had reached a level of love and acceptance for each other that could never have been attained without the trauma of sickness and death.

I want to be less anxious so that when I get where I'm going, I can be there in a healthy way...fully present and with the old crap behind me.

I can't believe I'm even considering this!

I've always been told to "keep a journal" but the truth is I hate writing. However, I'm going to give it a try. I have had some life changing experiences in the past 3 years and they continue to catch me off-guard at times. Perhaps writing will help.

The one unique thing is that I know where I am supposed to be, but I'm not there yet. I see myself as being in the "batter's box" in a baseball game. I'm definitely in the game but it's not my turn at bat. My turn will come and then I will have reached the place I know I'm supposed to be. I don't expect anyone to understand that but it would be nice if they did.

So, in the meantime, I'm trying to learn not to need answers to the questions of "why, when, how". I know the "who" but the rest is a mystery to me. I wish God would be as clear with me about the other questions as He was about the "who".