God's Crossroads

Crossroads
by Don McLean

I've got nothing on my mind: nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget, and I've got nothing to regret.
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was? Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain? Can you heal it?
Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole, once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.

No matter what I do or where I go, I end up mostly in the same place...with myself. I may look different on the outside and I may have a different lifestyle, but inside I'm still the same. I always end up back with me. Sometimes I'm more ok with that than at other times.

I believe there is only one "Saviour". I believe I'm in His hands and always have been, so I have to believe that the "place all roads lead to" will be ok. Despite the way things look sometimes, I do believe God will take care of me. I also believe that there is a reason for me having to walk the path I'm on. What I hate is that I spend way too much time "tied up on the inside". I have someone who I wish would "lay your hands upon me now, and cast this darkness from my soul".

But I know I'm responsible for my own well-being and for healing myself. I know that no one else can do it for me. I know I'll be ok. I look forward to the day when to "lay your hands upon me now" is done because my being in your heart is something you want, even more than I want it. In the meantime, God continues to help me see love expressed in ways I never would have understood before.

I thank God for that and for the path I'm on.

Clueless

I only seem to post when I'm being hormonal. I don't know why but it just seems to work that way. So, now that you know that I'm feeling like someone is scrubbing my brain with a steel wire brush, let me tell you what my clue was that made me stop today and think..."oh, I must be hormonal"!!

It seems that all the electronic things around me lately are possessed by the spirit of non-cooperation. I wanted to see or listen to the Yankees first spring training game this week at the office. I renewed my subscription to the live MLB TV site and was all excited about being able to watch the games this season, even the afternoon games at the office.

I already knew from last year that trying to watch the game using AOL as the browser wasn't the best way to go since the bandwidth makes the action start and stop constantly. Last year I used Firefox and that worked much better. So, I downloaded Firefox to my machine at work but I couldn't get Firefox to do anything except show the task bar and a blank screen. So I went on AOL and tried to watch the game. I got everything to come up just fine except the video. I had good reception but no picture. I decided that I would just listen to the game on my satellite radio that I always listen to at work, but for some reason I can't get a signal. I thought it was the lousy weather but its clear now and it still has no signal.

I did pretty well with that disappointment. I decided to do like Scarlett O'Hara and "think about it tomorrow". Well, today is the tomorrow and I couldn't wait to watch the Yankees game today when I got home from the Intense Training. I booted up my computer, clicked on FireFox and got the same blank screen. I even uninstalled and reinstalled FireFox to see if that would help but it didn't. I went back through AOL and managed to get the MLB TV site up, looked at the schedule only to find that the Yankees game wasn't on MLB live today. I decided to try to watch the Mets game and got a message saying it was blocked for my market area.

Not to be a quitter, I checked the cable TV to see if they were on ESPN so I could at least listen to it (since I gave up watching TV for Lent). Of course, it wasn't being shown. I went back to the MLB site to listen to the game but by then I had reached my hormonal limit. By that time, Dwight had arrived and made the mistake of asking me how I was doing. I was ready to throw my computer through my television by then but he was being so nice and caring that all I could do was cry. It was at that point that it hit me...I'm having hormone issues. Duh!!! It always amazes me that I'm the last one to know.

Things will be better now that I see it and can be patient with myself, others, and life in general...at least until next time. But unfortunately, I still have a satellite radio that has no signal, a router that has to be reset every time I sign on, a web browser that won't come up even though the computer says its running, a new MLB live subscription for games I can't watch, and a TV whose volume is too low to hear sometimes.

Maybe my electronics are being hormonal too.