Better Now

I can't tell you how much better I feel. For the past 3-4 weeks I have been living in a black hole and totally miserable. Let me explain. I was diagnosed years ago with sleep apnea with restless leg syndrome. The RLS never really caused me any problems but I do notice it in the evening when I get overly tired. Going to bed relieves it most of the time.

There are medications available for RLS and a new one came out recently called Requip. I saw an ad for it in my doctor's office and I asked him for samples to try. Big mistake!! The first time I tried it, I thought I was getting sick. I was very tired and depressed. I stopped the medicine and felt better. But, of course, I couldn't leave it alone. I decided to try it again at the lowest dose just in case I was wrong...but I wasn't. Even at the lowest dose I felt exhausted and extremely down, paranoid, and flat. I began having some very dark thoughts about things to do to myself. The worst part was there wasn't any reason for it, except the medicine.

I stopped the medicine two days ago and by Tuesday evening I felt back to my "normal" self. I have to tell you it feels so much better. I wonder how many people have these kind of reactions to medicines but never make the connection. I can't imagine having to live in a medicine-induced hell. I don't think I could have for long.

What'd I Miss??

Did I miss something? What just happened between Israel and Hezbollah? Did the people who died on both sides die for nothing? I'm not in favor of wars and fighting. I like peace and harmony, so much so that frequently I have given in to others at my expense. But, I've learned recently that it gets you nothing in the long run except peace for them, with no personal integrity for myself.

I'm very tired of terrorists, like Hezbollah, messing with my country and my life. I don't care what they do among themselves but don't come stepping on my toes when I don't want what you have. I was proud of Israel putting their foot down and saying "enough". I was hoping they would do whatever it took to put Hezbollah out of business and it seemed like they would.

So tell me what I missed?? There is now a "cease-fire" masterminded by everyone but Israel and Hezbollah. Did the kidnapped soldiers get returned? Is Israel safer from Hezbollah than before? What was the point of starting something and not finishing it? People can say what they want about Israel's "non-proportional" response but I've never heard of an Israeli suicide bomber killing Arab citizens, hijacking planes, and calling for the death of all who are not Israeli.

This is a hard issue. I have Muslim patients that I see everyday and I do my best to make them feel accepted and welcome but I find myself wondering if they agree with the terrorists. I haven't heard much about Muslims in this country speaking out against the terrorists and their violence.

Am I missing something here? Do things seem to be falling apart around us and we refuse to see it?

Dark Night of the Soul

The phrase "dark night of the soul" traces its origins to a work by the Spanish poet and Roman Catholic mystic Saint John of the Cross (1542-1591). It tells of his mystic development and the stages he went through on his quest. The "dark night of the soul" is that stage on the mystic path when "spiritual persons suffer great trials, by reason not so much of the aridities which they suffer, as of the fear which they have of being lost on the road, thinking that all spiritual blessing is over for them and that God has abandoned them since they find no help or pleasure in good things".

Is this real, or is it just a fancy way to describe depression? It describes the way I have felt for several weeks now. But I don't feel depressed. I know how depression feels...it's like seeing the world in black and white instead of color. It feels empty. What I'm feeling is that sense of being abandoned. I'm afraid in my guts like I used to be when I'd lose my mother in the store. I remember running up and down the aisles begging God to help me find her.

But what do I do if it's God abandoning me? Who do I pray to then? What if I haven't been faithful enough, or patient enough, or loving enough? I really believed it was God leading me but, if that's true, then it must be God who has left me. I know what the dark night of the soul is...it's the fear that I'll be lost forever.

Forever

"Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart and there it shall remain forever.”

Nothing can take my love for you away...not even death. I don't know why things have happened the way they have in my life and I don't know how things will end. What I do know is that I'll always feel this way about you, even if you never want me or love me.

Forever is a long time and it just won't ever be right without you.

My Plea

“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.”

I've never been a patient person. I'm sure it's my anxiety that causes me to want to have everything settled and answered. I like things to be in a nice neat box. I dislike changes, lateness, clutter, confusion and unanswered questions. When things are good, I want them to stay good. When my life is settled, I want it to stay settled.

I have been waiting, unsettled, for almost 4 years now. I've done my best to keep the faith and trust in God. It's been very stressful and I can tell it's wearing on me.

I have absolutely no control over God or anyone else, especially the one I love. There is no place I'd rather be than with him. I've been faithful and patient but I don't know if I can do this forever. I go to sleep each night knowing that it's one less day I'll have with him. Time is flying for both of us and we can't get it back once it's gone.

I'm still waiting here for you, please don't be too long.

Kissing

“When [he] kisses you he isn't doing anything else. You're his whole universe..and the moment is eternal because he doesn't have any plans and isn't going anywhere. Just kissing you...it's overwhelming."

I've never been able to kiss and do anything else at the same time. All I'm able to do is feel the feelings. Kissing is one of my favorite things to do. It has an element of intimacy not unlike sex. It's something that people can do almost anywhere and at any time...it's inexpensive and feels really good.

I'm probably showing my age but I remember making out. Making out was what we did as teenagers for fun. I still like making out...it excites me and makes me want to just melt in his arms.

Kissing is something I'm not willing to live without. I want the intimacy that it brings but it has to be with the right person and it has to be mutual.

Real Life Angel

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you....
The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Great quote and great idea. I know a man like that and I believe he is an angel sent to me by God to love me and guide me through all the confusion and rough places in my life. He is the most selfless, kind, secure, healthy and loving man I know. He treats me like I'm special and he has been my most ardent supporter.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring for me, but one thing I do know...he will always be a part of my life. He brings fun and humor into my world. He continues to be in my life despite the fact that I can't give him all of my heart. He says he wants me to be happy even if it isn't with him. He believes in me and in what I believe God told me. He is wonderful and he doesn't even have a clue that he is, despite what others tell him. I hope and pray that he feels my love for him and my appreciation of him. I only hope he gets something good from being with me. He is a special man who deserves the best of life, and he'll get it because his glass is always half full. He always sees life through happy eyes. One of his favorite things to say when I'm fussing at him for doing yet another thing for me is, "don't worry, it's easy...it's like eatin' lettuce".

I believe in angels...I've met one...his name is Dwight. And I thank God for him.

Occam's Razor of Men

Occam's (or Ockham's) razor is a principle attributed to the 14th century logician and Franciscan friar; William of Occam. Ockham was the village in the English county of Surrey where he was born. The principle states that "Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily." Other ways of saying it are, "The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct", or "Keep it simple".

In my limited experience of men I have discovered my tendency to do just the opposite of what Occam's Razor teaches. There is a book out called, "He's Just Not That Into You", which lays to rest many of the excuses women make for why men don't call, write, ask them out, etc. It uses the principle assumption of Occam's Razor to give women the answers to these questions. Unfortunately, it isn't what most of us want to hear, myself included. Here are a few examples of the simple truths about men and relationships.

• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.

• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

I have highlighted the one that I seem to forget on a regular basis. I just keep making excuses about him being busy, needing space, etc. I guess it's time for me to get real and recognize things for what they are...he's just not that into me. There was another thing in the book that I keep forgetting. It's "you are good enough to be asked out." I think I'm good enough...why doesn't he?

I don't know the answer, but I'll bet it's the simplest one.