My Prayer

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand. (John 13:7)

I have a daily devotional book called "Streams in the Desert" that I rely on for issues of hardship, patience, and faith. It seems to say just what I need to hear at the very time I need to hear it. Today's devotional is no exception.

"There are times when everything looks very dark to me-so dark that I have to wait before I have hope. Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. When we see no hint of success yet refuse to despair, when we see nothing but the darkness of night through our window yet keep the shutters open because stars may appear in the sky, and when we have an empty place in our heart yet will not allow it to be filled with anything less than God's best-that is the greatest kind of patience in the universe." (George Matheson)

I want to have the "greatest kind of patience in the universe" but right now I am battling with that "empty place" in my heart. I'm tired. Being in the hospital seems to have sapped all my strength and energy. Despite trying to rest, I feel as if I'm in one of those old deep sea divers suits and everything I do requires more effort than it should.

I'm also fighting off despair on my job. Despite the ridiculous things done by the people at the top, I've always gotten pleasure on my job because of my patients. Lately, even that pleasure is seriously waning. The system is set up for failure and it will be those of us in the trenches that will get the blame for not making the crazy decisions from the top work out. We will be seen as the failures, the lazy ones, the negligent ones, the disloyal ones. I hate it here but I've worked enough years to know that there is no greener grass and stupidity is not limited to just the health department. I'm afraid that going somewhere else would just put me in the same situation, just with a different employer.

But the worst is seeing "nothing but darkness". I find myself in love with someone who doesn't seem to feel anything for me. I heard Dr Phil say something yesterday that I hope doesn't apply to my life. He told a woman she was "on a dead end road, running as fast as she could". I've been told to be very straightforward with men and ask for what you need. I don't know how to be any clearer than to say "if you feel anything for me, I really need to hear it". All I hear is silence. Is that the answer? Am I'm really on a dead end road?

God, please help me. Right now I'm waiting for hope. You brought me to this place in my life, please don't abandon me now. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to stay faithful to your call but I'm struggling and I need your help. Its true, I don't understand what you are doing now. Perhaps I will understand later as the verse on John suggests. Please give me a reason to hope. Amen.

If You Put Us "Side by Each" Are We "Same Each Alike"?

I’ve always heard that no is indispensable. None of us really have the corner market on anything. We are, as the song says, “Dust in the Wind”. Here today and gone tomorrow. We are just one more of someone’s “old photos” that will be discarded someday because there is no one left who remembers who we are.

As sad as it sounds, I am ok with that. My childhood goal of wanting my name in the World Book Encyclopedia has long passed and I have come to a point of acceptance that I will never be famous. And yes, Virginia, even I will someday die.

The thing I’m not ok with is the recent realization that there is nothing special about me. On my job, I’m a provider and a nurse, and I’m seen as interchangeable by the people at the top. I’m not “me”, I’m a title or a job description. There is nothing that I bring to my work that is seen as different from what anyone else brings to theirs. I’m a faceless machine here to do the bidding of the powers that be, who are also probably faceless machines to those above them.

I guess I could learn to accept my faceless role at work but apparently it doesn’t just stop there. It occurs even with those I care about and who I assumed care about me. I guess it is my tendency toward narcissism that brought about my belief that I am special to other people, or at least to the one's I love.

Today I’ll try to see each person, those I love and those who are just people who cross my path, as someone special. I’m sure I’m as guilty as anyone else at seeing people as “interchangeable”. I want when you put them “side by each” to have them NOT be “same each alike”.

A Special Day for a Special Friend

Most of the time I blog it seems to be about me and my feelings, questions, struggles, etc. I get tunnel vision and forget others have their own difficult issues that they are dealing with now or have dealt with in the past.

Today, I want to focus on a very special person in my life who had a very difficult time as a young adult and worked hard to find a way out of the nightmare in which she found herself. To say that it was a life and death struggle would be no exaggeration since many of her friends never lived to see their way out of the same nightmare.

Today I celebrate with her. She has been an inspiration to me since we first met and I still rely on her wisdom and good judgement when I struggle with my own issues in life. She is my best friend and I'm very proud of her.

So this is for you...my congratulations and prayers for your continued success.

And love you, my friend.

Unanswered Questions

What we call despair is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope.
George Eliot

If hope is unfed, does it die? And once dead, can it be resurrected? I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't know the answers to any of my questions.

What I do know is that despair is indeed painful. It's a deep ache way down in the soul and there is no medicine that relieves it. I want it to stop. I want to get away from it.

Everything I see tells me there is no change in sight. What am I doing still hanging on to a belief that no one believes but me? Good question, but an even better question is how do I let go of it?

What was God's point in all this?

Another good question for which I have no answer.