Coming Around

What goes around, comes around. I've always believed in that but I'm not sure I ever really experienced it...until now. Over the years I have been personally involved with a number of wonderful people, all of whom I have loved and eventually left for a variety of reasons. I have watched the people I loved be disappointed, angered and hurt by my leaving. I continue to feel guilt for the pain I caused them.

I now find myself in the position of getting my "coming around". God has placed me in a situation where all the love I have for someone just doesn't make a difference. I can't make someone love me. I keep trying to believe that God will work it all out but I'm not so sure sometimes. When it feels the most hopeless, I think maybe God is just giving me a dose of my own medicine...an opportunity to feel the pain of unreturned love, and not be able to do anything about it.

Some people say that God doesn't work that way. Frankly I'm just not sure. I know that Moses, after following what God told him to do, wandering around in the desert for 40 years with the cantankerous Israelites, was forbidden to go into the Promised Land. He was only allowed to see it from a distance. How heartbreaking that must have been to remain faithful all that time just to be denied in the end.

So now, when I feel down about my situation and I'm feeling the pain associated with it, I just try to accept it as my "come around" all piled up in one bunch. I hope it helps alleviate some of the guilt I feel. If that's true, perhaps some good will come out of it.

But it's still heartbreaking.

I'm Owned

Your spiritual calling will own you. It will call to you with a force unlike any other job or career. You don’t follow your calling because it’s neat or cool. You follow it because within the overwhelming energy is a love so tender and calm that it humbles you to tears. I didn't search for it. It chose me. I had some arguing and fighting to do before I'd beaten myself up enough to see that the visions were true. However, it was always right there waiting and it was never patient about waiting. I think that people who have a special mission know what it is. No praying, questioning, or debating as to what it might be. You know what it is and it knows where to find you no matter how hard you may try to turn your back and hide from it. You don't hesitate, you don't meditate about it. It's there and it's yours to do and you know it instantly in your heart. You know that regardless of how big or small you may feel, that you are the one who must do it. It's not a martyr thing. It's just a knowing. It whispers to you. It owns you.

(Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow’s Edge)

I'm owned, and I accept it. I know I was changed for God's calling and I have committed my life to it. I am humbled by knowing God wants me for the job and I have come to love it deeply with my heart and soul.

I'm owned, and I am grateful that God has called me to a life of love. I'm grateful for the people around me that love me despite the effects my life changes have had on them. Despite their doubts about what happened to me, they continue to love me beyond what I deserve. They continue to invest themselves in my life and I love them dearly for it.

I'm owned, and I pray for the opportunity to live out my calling soon. In the meantime, I wait in gratitude for the present while looking to the future.

I Wonder Why

Tomorrow is Good Friday and Sunday is Easter. Its been about 4 years since I stopped attending St. Luke's MCC and since I left I've not been able to find the "right" place for me. I want someplace that gives me the same worship experiences that I had at St. Luke's. Actually, I think the problem is that I got used to the safety I felt there with Frankye as the pastor. I was able to really experience everything from "smells and bells" to altar calls and speaking in tongues. I trusted her to teach me about all the different ways to worship and still feel safe.

I don't know why I'm having such a hard time. Maybe I just haven't found the right place. Maybe I just haven't felt safe enough. It's funny...I've never felt afraid of God...just the people who worship God. I don't know what the fear is all about. I wonder if I'll ever know.

Catch 22

I've been watching a program on TV about the children affected by the explosion at Chernobyl. So many of the children have been born with physical and mental abnormalities. The worst part is that many of them were just abandoned by their parents because of it. The children's hospitals are struggling to manage their care.

I am in awe of the people who work in these hospitals and with the children. I'm in awe of the people who continued to work after the reactor exploded to prevent further damage, knowing that it was probably a death sentence for them.

It all makes me wonder if I would have the courage to keep working, or to take care of the children at the hospital, or even be a parent that chose not to abandon their deformed child. Courageous acts take, well...courage. Do I have that kind of courage?

Here's the Catch 22: In order to find out if you have enough courage, you must be placed in a situation calling for courage. However, once in the situation, if you don't have enough courage, you're stuck with not only a bad situation, but also with the realization that you're a coward.

I don't want to be a coward.

Respect

I've been reading a book lately about the Mafia and I find myself both appalled and impressed by them. The crime and the killing were terrible, but what impressed me was the tradition and protocol within the organization. In an odd sort of way, the loyalty and respect demonstrated by the old school mafioso is something we rarely see today.

Respecting each other seems to have fallen by the wayside. The emphasis frequently is on self only. The only way to be respected is to practice respecting others, even those we don't particularly like or agree with.

Who would have thought you could learn admirable behavior from someone like the Mafia. I guess God can work through everyone. Who are we to question?

Social Disease

I suffer from a "social disease". It's not the kind of disease that's contagious, though research has indicated there may be some genetic influence, though I'm not aware of anyone in my family who suffers from it. It's one of those diseases where one day might be worse, or better, than another. This disease can cause a person to appear unfriendly or angry when just the opposite is true. What is this disease you ask? It's shyness.

Shyness sounds like such a "soft" word, almost comfortable. But shyness is anything but comfortable. Its embarrassing and leaves me angry at myself for not being strong enough to conquer it. I found something on a shyness website that describes it well for me:

I think the problem arises because there are two ways to be shy---the obvious way and the not so obvious way. The obvious way to be shy is to blush, tremble, twitch or otherwise physically manifest your shyness. The not so obvious way is to avoid eye contact with people, not have much to say or decline offers from others you'd like to accept, but that are too far outside of your comfort zone for you to feel comfortable attending. Not so obvious shy people are often mistaken as arrogant or aloof---even by fellow shy people--when nothing could be farther from the truth. We're terrified on the inside. It's just that we don't show it on the outside.

The non-obvious way seems to describe me best. I wish I knew how to let people know that I want more than anything to be sociable and friendly. Just because I appear to be aloof, "stuck-up", disinterested, angry, or bored doesn't mean that's how I am...and I just wanted to say so.