Only Questions

This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

Why would I want them to??? Good question. It's a question that I can't answer except to say that filling that hole is something I believe God changed me and my life for. But I have to ask myself, why do I want someone who doesn't want me? Why would God want me with someone who doesn't want me? Is a one-way love what God intended? Why would God tell me something that doesn't seem to be happening. I'm trying hard to keep the faith, and believe me, it gets real hard to do at times.

I have more questions than I do answers. I am so tired of trying to understand and figure it out. I'm tired of sharing words, feelings, and actions only to have very little shared in return. Either I'm worth it or I'm not. If I'm to spend the rest of my life without you, it will be because of your decision, not mine. I can't make you love me, and if you feel anything for me, you aren't saying.

As I said in a previous blog, "if you want me in your life, I'll be there...if not, it's your loss as well as mine". It's just getting harder and harder to live with the unanswered questions. I'm not sure how much longer I can do it.

Even God doesn't seem to have answers to give me.

I have faith in God that it will happen just as God told me. (Acts 27:25)

Therefore boldly declare what God says you have, and he will accomplish what you believe. You must, however, exhibit genuine faith and trust Him with your entire being. (from Crumbs)

I don't have trouble with believing what God has told me. I'm just so tired of the waiting. There are times when I want to just fall on the ground like a toddler and throw a temper tantrum. There are times I want to run away and never come back. There are days I just can't tolerate the waiting one minute longer!

Submission is something I have always wanted to be able to do well, but never could. I can submit just fine as long as it's my idea. But God seems to be asking me to submit in the one area that is the hardest for me...control. God has promised me something that I have come to love, want, and need, but I have no idea when God will fulfill the promise. I believe the promise, and I believe God will accomplish it, but I'm so very tired of the waiting.

So, instead of falling down in a temper tantrum, I will continue to kneel down and ask God to help me wait, knowing that everything will happen as it's supposed to and when it's supposed to. Someone special told me once, "don't worry, be happy, all will work out". I hold onto those words with the tight fists of a child holding a great treasure.

And I wait on God.

Personal Value

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. ~Author Unknown

I have a long history of devaluing myself. I was told all my life that I was a disappointment by my parents for a variety of reasons. Over the years I've been told by others the same thing. I used to think the common denominator in all the situations was just me...I was the disappointment. I've taken this idea and run with it most of my life. I believed what I was told and I have suffered with self-hatred most of my life because of it.

Recently I've started to think about this in another way. The common denominator is still me, but in a different way. Perhaps it has less to do with me being innately defective, and more to do with the type of people I have chosen to be around most of my life.

For the most part, I have surrounded myself with people who respond like my parents did, usually to a lesser degree, but the response is still the same. As long as I behave "appropriately" (AKA doing what they think I should do), I am accepted. But when I step outside of the lines drawn by them, the response can be anything from a lecture about how wrong I am, to the outright loss of love and friendship.

I've been working hard at valuing myself more. It's hard breaking free from old habits and beliefs, and my tendency is still to crawl back to the person I've disappointed and beg forgiveness. But I'm tired of asking to be forgiven for things that weren't wrong and I'm not going to let someone else's opinion, belief or behavior cause me to abuse myself emotionally anymore.

The bottomline is if someone wants to be in my life, they will have to accept me as I am, not what they think I "should" be. I will gladly apologize for things I do wrong or for hurts I've inadvertently caused but I won't let someone else decide for me anymore if I am a disappointment.

If you want me in your life, I'll be there...if not, it's your loss as well as mine.

Love of Country

Finlandia (The Finnish National Anthem)
(Lloyd Stone wrote this international version of the lyrics in 1934)

This is my song, Oh God of all the nations,
A song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home, the country where my heart is;
Here are my hopes, my dreams, my sacred shrine.
But other hearts in other lands are beating,
With hopes and dreams as true and high as mine.

My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,
And sunlight beams on cloverleaf and pine.
But other lands have sunlight too and clover,
And skies are everywhere as blue as mine.
Oh hear my song, oh God of all the nations,
A song of peace for their land and for mine.


I've always liked this song. We used to sing it in church for the 4th of July worship service. We sang the other usual patriotic hymns and songs but in some ways I've always liked this one best. I suppose it's because it doesn't take anything away from my country, or anyone else's. It speaks of the wonderful land we have here and our pride in it, but it also reminds us that we aren't the only country who feels this way. But other hearts in other lands are beating,with hopes and dreams as true and high as mine.

I believe God created the world and all that is in it. I have to remember that God is the God of all nations, no matter how they choose to worship. When I sing for peace in my country, I must do so for others as well. Oh hear my song, oh God of all the nations,a song of peace for their land and for mine.

When I pray for my country on the 4th of July, I'll remember to pray for God's guidance and blessing on other countries as well. And especially, I'll pray for peace.