Memories and Dreams

We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dream.
Jeremy Irons

When I was a child my favorite place in all the world was "the cottage". It was made of wood and always painted yellow. Nothing fancy - it was small and simple. The cottage was owned by my grandparents originally and eventually taken over by my aunt and uncle. My family did the usual two week vacation every year and we would always go up north to the area around Chicago. Part of the time was spent at the cottage, about a 3 hour drive east into the Amish country...away from the city, the oil refineries, steel mills, and traffic.

There are many good memories that come to me when I think about the days at the cottage. There were hours in the rowboat catching turtles, riding bikes into Howe past the many Amish farms, swimming in the lake, walking with my aunt down the dirt road where she walked George, her cranky old dog. The walk took us past a pig farm, bushes filled with blackberries, and weeping willow trees. To this day the smell of a pig farm brings it all back to me.

But the thing I remember most is the lightening bugs. I know many people who have childhood memories of waiting for it to get dark so they could watch them light up. We did the usual thing of catching them in the Mason jars with holes in the lid for air. We always let them go eventually. I can still hear the crunch of the fine gravel under my feel as I crept up on one firefly after another. I could have stayed there forever in complete awe and contentment.

I looked back on that time with some sadness because it was over...a childhood memory long gone. Then one evening I was at a friend's house for dinner and afterwards, I stood with him outside his house listening to him tell me of his plans to build a deck on the back so he could look out over the woods behind his place. It was so quiet and peaceful. I could visualize how nice it would be. And as the sun set completely, I saw something I hadn't seen in years...lightening bugs! The darker it got, the more there were, until it looked liked Christmas lights blinking in the woods. I was enchanted with the sight, and the memories of those good times as a child washed over me like a wave. I could have stayed there forever in complete awe and contentment.

I love the man who lived in that house and my dreams were of living there with him one day. I wanted to help him build that deck so we could relax and enjoy watching the lightening bugs together every night for the rest of our lives. I couldn't imagine anything better then, or now. But dreams are just dreams...and wishing doesn't make it so. Even so, I still find myself sometimes sitting with my eyes closed, seeing the hundreds of flashing lights before me, smelling the aroma of his cigar, and silently holding his hand while we sit on our deck overlooking the woods behind our home.

And I could stay there forever in complete awe and contentment.

Glass Splinter

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman (English born American Novelist, Journalist)

Tonight I hate love. It hurts worse than any back or leg pain...and there's no medicine that helps. Tonight neither hope nor faith can dull the hurt.

Sin and Grace

"By the grace of God I am a Christian, by my deeds a great sinner..." ~The Way of a Pilgrim

For the most part I don't see myself as a great sinner. Big sins are things other people do. I don't kill or intentionally hurt others. I would never abuse children. I don't shoplift, rob banks, embezzle money. I don't cheat or try to take advantage of others.

What makes a sin "great"? Is it the size of it, like the tragedy of 911? Is it the frequency of it, like abusing our God-given bodies with addictive behavior? Is it the intentionality of it, like the recent school shootings? Is it the level of hatefulness, like setting homeless people on fire for "fun"? Is it the level of abusiveness, like pedophilia or incest?

Before I sit back and congratulate myself on not being a great sinner, I have to ask...do I gossip? Do I lie (even little white lies)? Do I judge others...and see them as less than me? Do I take pride in all that I've accomplished, forgetting that anything I've gained has been not only through my efforts but also through the help of God, parents, family, friends, teachers, mentors, circumstances, and even my "enemies"? Do I lose faith despite God's continuing care for me? Aren't these significant sins also?

I don't know what makes a person a "great" sinner and I don't know where the line is drawn between a big sin and a little sin. What I do know is that without the grace of God, my life would be lost because the one thing I know about sinners is that I am one.

Jesus is my Lord

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ~Mahatma Gandhi

I've always known God was in my life, even as a child. I have never believed otherwise, even when I tried to act like I did. I have, however, had a problem with what I always called the "Jesus thing". I've always avoided talking about Jesus by just referring to God. That's good enough, right?

Wrong!

I went to see a movie Friday night called "Facing the Giants". It was another high school football movie much like others except for one major thing...Jesus. The movie was very good and it showed a "down to earth" way of honoring Jesus in one's daily life. It was excellent and I recommend it. It made me wonder why I have been so hesitant to admit my belief in Jesus like I do my belief in God.

I think the above quote by Ghandi says it all. I have sometimes been embarrassed to be called a Christian. I've always felt that by admitting to being a Christian, people would lump me in with those who were pushy and believed that their scriptural interpretations were completely accurate. All black and white...no gray...drawing a circle of inclusion that only allowed people who believed by their rules.

The past four years have changed many things for me and the movie left me with the realization that it's time I made Jesus number one in my life. I want to be proud to be a Christian, with apologies to no one. I want to be the kind of Christian that believes Jesus is able to work even in the gray areas, and that God-inspired writings might possibly be beyond even our best human ability to fully interpret and understand. I want to be a Christian who will stand strongly for my belief in Jesus but not become so arrogant that I believe my interpretation is the only correct interpretation. I don't want to draw a circle that excludes others who are honestly trying to follow Jesus. My experience with Jesus is that he doesn't need my help- except when it comes to showing love to all of God's creation. I want to be the kind of person that would cause others to say, "I like your Christ because of what I see in you."

With Jesus' help and the prayers of others, perhaps I can make progress toward that goal.